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Forgiveness is the most tender part of love. - John Sheffield

Have you ever just been upset, argued, and cried so much that after your eyes burned, you ached, and just felt so completely wiped out! Well tonight was one of those nights! Yesterday my Dad was acting 'Fucked-up' (I quote the words I used) and I called him on it. Needless to say that never plays out well. I tried to talk to him about it last night, see if we could work it out and that blew up in my face! Making a long story short I basically told him fine that if he didn't want to talk out our 'problem' then just don't talk to me. So today the NO talking was going OK, meaning he wasn't talking to me. He also was into it with Kathy too! But because he had to go pay the rent (which hopefully they will still accept the rent). Well Kathy of course was tiffed about him picking her up but then I guess he started trying to chit-chat with her, acting as if nothing had happened and well that pissed her off! And to top it all off I guess because I had told him earlier that he needs to tell me that he took money out of our bank account, mainly for the fact that I was thinking of stopping there and getting it for him anyways. But I guess he had told Kathy yesterday that he was going to and she forgot to mention it and he was to her like why didn't she tell me! So shit hit the FAN and she was pissed came home slamming doors, and apparently threw the keys back at him instead of handing them to him. Lots of Anger and lots of tears I tell you! Then later on I forget how it all started, but I started getting into it with him again because of some shit and it was back and fourth! Why can't he understand that I am the type of person who likes to talk things through, the type of person who like to try and understand, find reasoning, and resolve! I am so SICK of spending my life pretending NOTHING happened! A lot of hateful things were said and I swear I could just feel so much HATE coming off of him! He cannot apologize to save his life and has to be the biggest DAMN liar that I have ever known! I have been through HELL and high water with that man. And some might even say I should hate him, but I don't. I love him, and I try to be forgiving! Although it gets really hard when someone continues to repeat the same behavior over and over again. Maybe somethings have to do with the way her was raised, him being abused, drugs... I don't know, all I know is I feel sometimes we are paying the price. I know I am an adult and I could just be gone, (well if I could afford it anyways) but I do love my parents, I love the time we get to have together - just not all the other crap! -Blah- Not to mention I totally feel pre-menstrual and we all know that isn't exactly a walk in the park! Speaking of Periods, it is 19 years to the day (May 22, 1991) that I first started my period! LOL Not sure if that is extremely weird that I remember that, but I do! Any-who, I have to get up early to take Kathy to work so I suppose I better try and get some sleep! And take another Benadryl because this DAMN rash is itching and annoying the crap out of me! And you know I am terrible and have to scratch it! Bad, very bad! double -Blah- :/

FB Mails are LOL
Kathy just went to bed and even Charley followed. So here I sit alone, but not without my mindless TV of course! Sabrina the Teenage Witch is on *lol* Yeah I will never grow up. My one tooth on the right side is giving me trouble again! I rinsed my mouth with peroxide and hopefully my regular pain meds will help. Toothaches just suck, plain and simple! But anyways, I am still working on my Sims 3 game! I am not sure if I have made any progress but I will say I am getting some different weird glitches so maybe that is a good thing or maybe I am just losing my mind! I took a screenie of Bella in CAS mode topless (glitch) and will have to post it in my Sims LJ! *lol* Just seen a commercial that Daria the complete series is on DVD! Can you say Awesome!?! I will have to see if Netflix is going to carry it.

I got to thinking about him today again. Showed Kathy his FB picture and we talked a bit about it and she really thinks that contacting him would just open a can of worms and I agreed and told her I am sure it would would be like opening Pandora's Box! I think he is just on my mind because I keep seeing Mike fight for his first love on FB and I pretty much consider him my first love, regardless of the circumstances. With that said I guess I am not completely crazy. But I am pretty sure I am sticking to Kathy's advice and I am not going to open that can of worms.

So I was on FB the other day and got this mail on there from this guy saying that he looked at my pictures and that he thought I was a real hot honey! *rofl* I got a good laugh out of it and it is always a little flattering to I guess be called Hot, not that I am called Hot a lot or maybe like ever HA HA! So I was curious so I went and peeked at his profile and come to find out he is like my parents age! I mean I know I am an almost 30 year old woman but I guess I just don't feel it. I was like, erm he is old enough to be my Dad! Any-who, speaking of FB mail I got another one because of one of the Statuses I posted giving me a link to a FB page entitled this: "I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHO STRENGTHENS ME!". Anyone who knows me knows that I am not the most religious person, but it's not that I am Anti-God either! So I had another laugh and just chose not to comment. ;)

Sim FAILURE and everyday stress!
Been working on my Sims game again! Going through my DLs because I am convinced that is what the problem is. Hitting a whole lot of FAIL though, blah! Anyways, everyone is asleep and the house is cool and quiet. I am of course watching some more mindless TV and it fills the silence. My left foot is doing this deep, internal, insane itching thing and it is driving me MAD! I seriously just want to stab it! I took some more Gabapentin so hopefully that will help. Speaking of itching I am still having that damn rash! It is in more places than just my legs and arms this time so it is extra annoying! The antihistamine and cream helps though. And NO I am not totally crazy, I have asked my regular Doctor about it and she gave me some cream but it keeps coming back for over a year I would say now! I know I need to see her again about it and she will probably want me to see a Dermatologist but between owing her practice $money$ and problems with my insurance, again to do with $money$ I just can't right now. It isn't serious and I am pretty sure it is either a medication I am taking reaction or just stress. Just hoping it will clear up again.

There is a lot of stress in the house. Aside from $money$ problems and living in the house of pain, Mom has just been put out of work due to her injury. Her surgery date is June 3rd as of now and they say she should only have to stay in the hospital a day or so, but we will see. It is scary but I am just hoping that it all goes well and that it helps the awful pain she's been in! When it rains it pours they say, but they also say that it can't rain all the time, right!?! Things have to get better, they just have to!

I don't know if it was just mean sitting down her by myself or what but I got to thinking and started down memory lane again. Thinking of people from the past, wondering how they are, etc. I even went so far as to look a few of them up on the web. I know that sounds totally pathetic! I didn't have much luck with my search, just the same one I am pretty sure is on FB. I keep having the tug-a-war with myself debating if I should contact him. Again I told myself NO. I mean his profile FB pic is of him and a woman who I am sure is his wife. It's a nice picture too, a picture I imagine is from some romantic vacation they had. But I better not start to go there. He has a little piece of my heart and he always will. <3

Well I think I am going to get another cup of coffee and work on my Sims some more *lol* Wish me luck...seriously!

I <3 Kathy and Charley
Catch a falling star
I am spending time with Kathy, downloading for our Sims and watching mindless TV. Charley is at our feet and I don't know if I am just being my over-emotional self or what but I got to thinking about Charley and the first time I seen him at Home Depot, how he fit in my apron pocket and how memories just get harder and harder to keep. I wish I could remember every moment I have ever shared with them and be able to recall them when ever I'd like. Maybe a lot of people would say this is crazy, or what about the not so good times, the bad times, etc. I would take them all if it meant that I could just have that. They are 'my people', so what if Charley has 4 legs and cannot speak English *hehe*. They are my world, my sanity, and the Loves of my life. And I wouldn't have it any other way. <3

Love is patient,

love is kind.

It does not envy,

it does not boast,

it is not proud.

It is not rude,

it is not self-seeking,

it is not easily angered,

it keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil

but rejoices with the truth.

It always protects,

always trusts, always hopes,

always perseveres.

Love never fails.

But where there are prophecies,

they will cease;

where there are tongues,

they will be stilled;

where there is knowledge,

it will pass away.

-- 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Needing a miracle...
Have been up all night, mainly just messing around on the computer and trying to fix my Sims game. Everyone is asleep but Kathy should be getting up to get ready for work soon. I am tired but not, and just trying not to go to the dark place. Things are just really bad! Aside from all the health type issues here in the house I think we have hit rock bottom. We have NO money, have scarce amount of food and cannot pay our rent and surely will be served today with a 3 day notice. And the possibility that we will be able to come up with it is little to none. I really don't know what we are going to do! My Mom said just let's take it one day at a time and like I said I am trying! Although that is always easier said than done. Some people say that miracles happen, right?! Well we sure could use one about now! And if all that isn't all sunshine and whatever, seems my rash is getting worse again and my teeth are deciding to hurt of course along with all the other usual body aches *sigh* Maybe writing this all down isn't getting it off my chest but rather reminding me of all the serious FAIL! Anyways I think I will get back to mindless TV and letting my Sims also disappoint me.

Bitching and Itching!
Today has been a better day than yesterday for the most part. My Dad apologized and I am trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. Trying the whole take it one day at a time thing! Of course that is always easier said that done, especially with my anxiety and OCD which I am also trying to be more open with and face head on. Honestly though I don't think I could do it without Kathy, she is my angel, my life line. <3

Right now I am itching like crazy! I have had this off and on going rash for the past almost year that cannot seem to be pin pointed and I haven't been to a dermatologist which I am told is the person that probably could make sense of it. I mean it could be stress, a medication or insulin, etc. I even thought it could possibly be psoriasis!?! It has typically been on my arms and legs but oddly enough it is now on the front of my neck! Blah! At least I think it is the same rash anyways, although it also may be a lotion that is surely out dated that I have been using *lol* Not going to be using that anymore! So yeah itch, itch, bitch, bitch!

Well, I am going to finish watching Ned's Declassified and then back to playing my Sims! I know I sound like such a kid, I am an adult...seriously! O_o

Like 2 Years Later...
Wow it has been so long since I have written anything. I decided to start a Sims 3 Legacy on my Sims journal SIMplyFate and I suppose it inspired me a bit to crack this journal open! And besides knowing it is just good to get things off your chest and Kathy saying I should be using my journal too, here I am.

The recap between my last update and now even though it was almost 2 years ago isn't all that different. I have not been back to work since my first back surgery in '08 which of course puts more financial strain on the family than we already have. Not to mention I don't even know if I have a job to go back to! I just keep telling myself that you will cross that bridge when you get there. I also had to have a 2nd surgery on my back where they went in from the front last August because of complications. I again don't want to say I regret any of the work done on my back and if I look at the big picture I know it has helped. But it is hard when I am still in pain, still on pain meds and don't know what else can be done! They have done epidurals with little relief given and now my pain management doctor wants me to see my spine specialist and see what she says and thinks because basically he doesn't know what can be done. I am just hoping I don't get thrown to the curb or told this is as good as it gets! It is nerve racking to say the least! I don't see her until June so we will see. For now I just have to keep telling myself not to worry about it. Although that is easier said than done.

Tonight has been sort of a mess! My Dad decided it would be 'Let's be mean and rude to Laura Night'! And well I called him on it and needless to say it didn't go well. He then decides to be a little Bitch to all of us because he was in fact wrong and Mom and Kathy agreed with me. And it was of course over small things and I don't know what his problem is. Let's correct that I have a good idea that it is his pain meds, they make him so moody, at least that is the only thing I can think is setting him off so often. It just isn't fair! I am trying to not let it ruin my whole night. I am just so thankful for my Mom and Kathy <3

I think I am going to go eat some cereal, toast and maybe drink another cup of hot chocolate coffee and then play my Sims some. So long as my game doesn't give me trouble or crash, it is my Happy place ;)

*Frosty the Snowman*
I can't believe it is 1 am! I am in that place where you are tired but not. I did again sleep a lot of the day *lol* but it wasn't all totally uneventful -- Talked to Dezi on the phone which was nice and then this evening Mom and I went to Super K which was fun and good for me. It was nice to get out of the house and nice to see all the Christmas out and about. Plus I really need to be walking more, I mean it is really the only thing I can do at the moment and I don't do it enough. I can layout all the excuses; like I don't feel comfortable walking around my neighborhood and the house just gets boring but I just need to do it no excuses! But anyways after we got home from the store I baked some chocolate chip cookies that came out really good and not a burnt one in the batch *lol* and we had flavored coffee and watched Frosty the Snowman. It was a really great night.

It is starting to feel a lot like Christmas -- I LOVE it! <3

I'm Back!
Wow I am here -- it has been a long time! Time is a very funny thing and I would swear that as the older you get the quicker it seems to go by. Speaking of time I have has a lot of time lately. I had back surgery July 8th and have been recovery since. So no work, have to be in a back brace if I am anywhere but in bed -- no bending, twisting, lifting ... nothing. I am not really sure how I feel about it, I guess you can say it is a love-hate/bittersweet thing. I mean it is always nice to have time, to be able to rest and just do the things you want or nothing at all. Who wouldn't love that, right!? But then there are parts of you that want to say 'you know your so called freedom is just a closet full of limitations', then comes the frustrations -- the bitter-hate that wants to be able to freakin' reach something when I want it that I can't, not have to wear a back brace! The back brace isn't all that bad, you even get somewhat used to it after a while. And I know it's all for the best and I do not regret having surgery because even though I am still in pain, still taking pain meds it has helped. I see my Doctor again Jan. 19th so who knows maybe then there will be more bone growth and I won't even have to wear the brace anymore. You never know. Although I have to say I am not all that thrilled about the thought of going back to work, I suppose most people would feel this way -- love/hate, something else to add to the my anxiety. Sometimes I wish I could just turn my mind off, like a switch, that would be nice. So I am here, I am back because I want to be and because I think I need to be. And with that said it is getting late and I have a headache and should probably get to bed anyways.

* Eclipse Book Signing *
I am so tired but I wanted to write before I head to bed. Kathy and I went to a book signing at Borders for Eclipse by Stephenie Meyer. I swear those books are my new obsession and to think I have only read the first one so far! Anyways, the book signing was FUN and it was really cool listening to Stephenie talk and answer some questions even though it leaked some spoilers *lol* We were in the last group to get our books signed but it went fairly fast and we met a couple girls in line that were a lot of fun to talk to which also helped to make the time pass. We got all of our books signed and while I didn't get to say much and I am not sure she even heard me I thanked Stephenie for writing these amazing books (not in those exact words), silly sounding, cliche even, but I had to say something! When you were leaving after you got your book(s) signged you got to pick either an 'I Love Edward' or an 'I Love Jacob' button -- needless to say who I chose...Team Edward ALL the way!!! At least for now anyways... Hopefully Kathy and I will have a chance to start reading New Moon sometime this week! But yeah it was a good night, my first book signing and I was happy Kathy and I got to do it together it makes it even more special.

Oh and not to mention Mom and Dad came home tonight from VA, its good to have them home although I guess walking around in my underwear is out now *ROFL*


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